This was written in 2015 around this time. I’m now 6 months pregnant with my third baby and scared out of my mind to re-live the pain.
Depression is a bitch. Una mierda as my mamá said.
It grabbed hold of me tightly just over three years and it is still here. Medicated. Under control. But still here.
Being in therapy for over a year now and working on leaving the dark clouds behind, I came to realize I’ve been on the fence with depression since my teens — only back then I never fell on the wrong side. I’d come out of it okay and attribute it to hormones and teen angst.
Related Post: THIS Is the Face of Depression
Last year at this time, depression and my serious anxiety literally blew up in my face when I was traveling. I can’t re-tell the story or watch the video because it truly really pains me and frankly, I don’t want to think about it now. I’m not in denial, but I am so much better that looking back scares me. I’m scared to fall again, to go back to that dark, lonely and terrifying place that I was in for so long and with no one to help.
Recently, reading parenting articles (which are ridiculous) saying “Moms celebrate! It’s not about HOW much time you spend with your children, but the QUALITY of time…” and all I thought was — NO SHIT. I could have told anyone that, even before this caca of a depression set in.
Before my son went to kindergarten and my daughter into daycare, I spend every. single. minute of the day with my kids and not one minute was quality time. Why? Because I wasn’t in my right mind. I was depressed, angry, moody, sleep deprived, supremely unhappy, alone, sluggish, overweight, confused and didn’t have the ability be a good mama to my niños.
Instead, my moodiness, my random outbreaks of crying, general funk which are all characteristics of depression — rubbed off on my son and THAT scared me more than me dealing with it.
Depression affects your marriage/relationship. No way around this one — your spouse, no matter how supportive will never completely understand and in turn you will bring them down as well continuing the vicious cycle. Cut it off now. Get help — we are (happily) in marriage therapy.
Depression affects your children. Again, it’s not a matter of “if” but “when” this will occur. Children follow our every lead and even if they are not depressed can mirror these feelings. Trust me on this one, it’s a scary when your pediatrician tells you your 6 year old is depressed, and it’s because of you.
Depression affects your work. Beyond parenting, it affects how you work, how you do business and frankly, your concentration and ability to make clear, intelligent and thoughtful decisions is non-existent. You could could give a poo poo about deadlines — you are not capable of realizing the consequences and really, you just don’t care.
Depressions affects your personality. It strips of you happiness and joy and the ability to feel and to give it. You become a zombie, going through the motions minus a soul. It’s way harsh, Ty.
Depression affects your ability to sleep. You think depression means you sleep all day because it literally does suck the life out of you. You feel like dead weight, even brushing your teeth leaves you worn out. However, despite your brain being zapped and wanting to lay and sleep, the ability for quality sleep is gone and you are caught in a riptide of insomnia and anxiety.
Depression affects your sex life. Duh. Por favor, if I can’t even get dressed in the morning, how am I supposed to get undressed and then exert myself for a few minutes of pleasure? I’m pretty sure that would kill me.
Depression affects your eating. Oh my does it ever. The extra 30 lbs I gained — yeah. Those didn’t happen because of pregnancy. They happened because of depression. I was in a good place after having Lucía, but stress, insomnia, anxiety and every other goodie that exploded out of the depression piñata was another pound added. How the hell was I supposed to exercise, eat well and sleep when my head was one big ball of caca?
Depression affects your personal… everything. I stopped brushing my teeth. I’d shower “later…” I didn’t put any effort into my personal style, only if I absolutely HAD to. Instead of doing laundry I’d wear the same dirty stuff (undies included) and really could have cared less. Your sense of self goes right out the door.
There are many many other ways depression takes over your life but I don’t want to make anyone depressed reading this (ha ha!)
For me, it’s been a year — I’m still in therapy, my husband and I are still in marriage counseling, my kids are much happier, I yell less, I sleep MORE (this took a very long time to work on), I was on HEAVY meds and now I’m scaling back and I have a clearer mind. I invested time in ME, I found new hobbies and decided that I no long work on weekends.
My head is on right and I feel. That’s right, I actually FEEL.
Thankfully I somehow kept my faith in God through it all, I never harmed my children or myself and after being sedated in that San Francisco hospital I knew I had no choice but to get better.
You can too. It’s not easy. Nothing is. But we, you, can do it. Reach out please.