It’s mid-October and we are still having 80 degree days with FULL SUN. Sadly over the years I’ve become more of a sweat-er and I’m hot all of the time. It’s annoying and sticky. Not good when you want to look your best.
In any case, I’M BACK after a very very long hiatus from anything style or fashion related. I’ve been working on my YouTube skills doing comedic content (in Spanish) on my channel la chilena gringa. I love it, but can barely keep up with that, much less the blog, acting auditions, oh and family life. Ya know?
Elisa is now 15 months and ON THE RUN! She gets into everything and the other two — Mati (8) and Lucía (4) come with their own parenting hardships.
good GREAT news is that these light green jeans FIT. I repeat, these jeans FIT! It’s these sorts of milestones that motivate me to keep going (that, and when I see my face on video and only see my double chin) Arggggg!
I will however admit, that I’m bored. Mentally. The blog hasn’t fulfilled me in a while, both financially or creatively. Which is tough given that financially I need to be making more, I mean, something.
Being at home with a 4 year old and a 15 month old who need constant attention — cleaning up messes and making snacks, lunches, laundry etc, etc is driving me mad. Because, it’s all I do. That’s it. By 7pm I can no longer take the exhaustion and by 8pm my jammies are on and I’m IN BED catching up on TV shows, etc.
I don’t have time to blog. I don’t have time to edit. I don’t have time to respond to emails or pitch ideas. And I refuse to stay up past 11pm. I can’t go down that route again — I did before and it landed me in the ER a few times, panic stricken with anxiety attacks, depression, insomnia, vertigo — a real nose dive into a hell. I wasn’t me, I was a ghost of my former self, trying to do it all.
I don’ t know, I feel more sane, but I’m bored — unmotivated.
Doing my la chilena gringa videos FILLS me with life — but how they take up my time! I write, act, shoot, edit, everything (of course) and I get to showcase my improv/comedy/acting abilities to the world — this DOES motivate me, it’s a high. But again, time shortage without willing to give up my sanity and no financial gain to help provide for the family and get us out of debt hinders my ability at times to push forward.
I feel trapped like the house is closing in on me and I’m NOT a very organized person. I have my ways, I try, but organization is not my strong point and I have to work at it every single day. It literally feels like I’m running out of fuel — running on empty. You can feel yourself slowing down and then… plop. You are on the ground.
I need a change to take me to my next phase in life. I’ll be 40 in another year, I’ve been a blogger since 2010 and working on my own since 2011. In 2015 I decided to pursue acting after years of swatting that idea away due to my looks, weight, age and personal insecurities and in 2016 our third baby joined our family.
Amidst all of that, I have had to take a break from social media because it gets to be overwhelming at times, I have become distressed with the state of our nation and world, my husband and I have had to work and repair our marriage, I’ve felt disillusioned with life and then have found absolute pure joy only made possible through God and the list goes on and on. It’s been — busy, no doubt. Some might say I haven’t put in “all I’ve got” but how much more can I put out there without falling apart like before? WE CAN’T DO IT ALL AT ONCE. It has to be broken up into pieces. And right now, I need to break it up again in order to figure out how to proceed.
Ok, so back to the original idea of this post — a fall fashion outfit idea for moms! Ha. It was the first time in a long time I felt and looked good and having such a colorful background, I needed to snap a few pictures. Progress is imperfect, but it’s progress.
Thanks for watching — reading — and even if no one sees this, IT FEELS GOOD to put my feelings down in writing.